Goodness, its October! So I've been working as a Registered Nurse for approx. 2.5 months. Its unbelievable, but here I am working on a Cardiac Floor. (So Jimmy, if our former story about you coming to the hospital and me being your nurse is still going to work, you'll have to have a heart attack. Okay, that sounds horrible, but I was really trying to be funny) I'm sitting in a coffee shop in good 'ole Tennessee, freezing and by myself. I got some random things done today since I was off. I also went for a wonderful walk around Radnor Lake. I had a great time of reflection and conversing with our Creator. He really is big isn't He? I felt a lot like an unfaithful wife today because here I was in the midst of God's creation of nature and spending time with Him, reading about His great works and realizing how much He loves us/me and I found myself constantly thinking about other things...laundry, my job, what I'm going to eat for lunch and cook dinner, guys, friends, family.....I kept getting distracted by life...mediocre, mundane life. I believe that God is in the "ordinary" things such as laundry and such, its just that when I think about laundry and dishes and work I get stuck. I lose the bigger perspective and I get lost in all the soap-suds of life. I begin to think that where I am now is where I am always going to be and I forget about His eternity and Him moving. Today, when I was walking, I simply wanted to be above all that...to remember my identity, to remember the BIG GOD and His will and His cosmic purpose...but I kept forgetting...it was like I had transient amnesia or something and I would remember and then forget and then remember again-such a vicious cycle! I think part of all this is because I am not spending enough time with God. What is the other part? How can I live a life bigger than myself?

It has been so long since I've been on here. Yet, I still have similar fears. Last night some girl friends were discussing going out and setting each other up with dates. And I was so scared! I feared that look in the guys eyes when he sees me-a let down, a yearning for the girl sitting next to me. Or "well, she's kinda pretty, but she's also kinda fat" or "she has a good personality" And while I believe myself beuatiful, I'm not the type of girl that someone says- wow, she's hot! You know? And in that environment where girls set up their friends with dates, the hot aspect seems to be a huge deal! And I would hate the anticipation of being set up with a so-called pretty girl and then see me! What a glet down, and then he'd be nice out of politemess and thats almost worse!!!!  No, I don't think I can go out with someone I don't know and who doesn't know what I look like.It would be too humilitatins!

and what about these so called guy friends of mine? those who drop off the face of the earth when they get a g-f? seriously, and really, GET A ROOM!! 

Sorry if you're reading this Jimmy! We're still friends. hahaha ok, back to studying to be a flippen nurse

I just had the most horrible dream! It wasn't a bad dream, but waking up and finding its not true made me cry, worse feeling than any nightmare I've ever known. I'm not going to talk about the dream, but it was so cruel to dream that, I talk to you later, I just woke up due to this dream and I needed to get it out of my system, it is out there in the void of cyberspace I wrote it in another blog. But to this blog, no. I don't have the energy to do it again. I'm sighing.  and I'm still tired and I'm going to fall asleep again with my laptop on my bed where I can kick it off, so I'd better go. Goodnight

Me

Gosh I hate when I act like I'm 13 again.  I stayed up in the cafeteria for 25 minutes!!!  Why? Because HE was there.  And I barely even talked to him.  Oh high school, I mean really.  The thing is, he didn't come and talk to me either, he just got my attention and waved at me.  I was just so aware of him as he sat at the table across from mine, we were facing each other with just two other chairs and two tables in between and I would NOT look over there.  Really, I was pretty good about not looking at him, but oh how I wanted to talk with him. 

This purifying of the heart sure stinks, God!!!  Can't I just not FEEL anything anymore for the oppossite sex?  Please? 

oh....SOLEIDEOGLORIA! 

Who has time nowadays?

Life seems to be a blur, with no time to truly live all the moments I am given.  I intend to change that during the next 4 days.  Fall break and I have finally met up and he is embracing me in his warm arms!  He really is an illusion though, I think I have all this time and really I don't, deadlines and meetings and structure...but I am not complaining, I'm simply stating.  This is where I am in life, and this is where I believe God wants me to be.  I believe...

Its hard to think that this time next year I'll be a an RN, I mean really...?  Me?  After, that....life?  Not saying that my college career has been horrible or not stimulating, on the contrary...college life has agreed with me...but I smell the scent of change and I feel the shift of the wind...I'm being beckoned...I don't know where...? 

I do not have any ties yet...save California and my family there.  No other life besides my own that I need to consider.  I hope that doesn't sound horribly selfish and self-absorbed...I'm only trying to say that I will not be married next month...hahaha, that is all.  And so I don't know what will happen after my two years working at Vanderbilt. What will those two years be like anyway?

I just finished watching "My Little Princess" for the first time, cried my eyes out!!!  Please go and watch that movie if you haven't...its definitely worth spending two hours of your time on. 

Jimmy, if you read this...hope all is well my friend.  Give my hello to Kristin, and maybe someday we'll talk again!

Emma...I love you.

The rest of my xanga family...Live long and prosperous!  (Is that right?, Awww heck, I love you guys anyways.)

SoleiDeoGloria